me trying

at least i'm trying

So my birthday was this week. I didn’t even have to do anything to make that happen. Every year it’s there, waiting for me. And as I wait for it, I cross my fingers and close my eyes and plug my nose and hope nothing bad happens. The week of my birthday and I have a complicated history… I’m choosing to not elaborate on that history right now. Instead I want to share a good thing that happened: I finished an essay!

And you’re like, “Candy, you had me believing you’re a writer. Don’t you finish essays all the time?”

And I’m like, “No. Not really. That’s not how it works.”

And you’re like, “That’s not how writing works? Don't you have to write to be a writer?”

And I’m like, “I won’t be taking any more questions at this time.”

You guys, I really don’t know who gets to call themselves a writer or not. I haven’t felt much like a writer for a while. My focus and my energy have been less than ideal. I’ve discovered my age and my hormones might be contributing to those problems. Can you believe that crap? I don’t approve of that at all. But nobody asked me. And once again I did nothing to make that happen; it was just sitting there waiting for me. Old age is a side effect of having birthdays I guess.

Is 49 old? I think I’m too close to the situation to answer that honestly, but one age I know for certain is old is 18. As in: a few months from now my first born child will turn 18. That’s some serious crap right there. So my 49th year will include college decisions and a high school graduation and my daughter moving out of my house.

But will it include any writing? I hope so.

I admit I was proud of myself for finishing that essay. It was only 450 words and it was a submission for a contest. Surprising no one, I submitted within an hour of the deadline. Most importantly though, it said what I wanted it to say. I actually communicated what I meant to communicate when I started writing the essay. That feeling is like a huge exhale when you really haven’t been able to breathe for a while. Because right after that huge exhale comes a big inhale; your lungs want to take in all that air after you’ve pushed it all out. So that next exhale is even better. And then you remember that breathing is actually quite wonderful.

Here’s to the New Year. Cheers to many more deep breaths.